Limericks

First, a Couple of Limerick Songs
(Limericks Begin below the Limerick Songs)

Sing Us Another One Do
(To be sung as chorus between limericks or between songs. See Limericks for material.)

That was a terrible song,
Sing us another one,
Just like the other one,
Sing us another one do.

Rodriguez the Mexican Pervert
(Tune: Frito Bandito)

Ai, ya, ya, yaaa,
Rodriguez the Mexican pervert,
He buggered his mother,
And cornholed his brother,
So they waltzed him around by his willy.

(limerick – *pack repeats last two words of first and second lines of all limericks)
A visiting hasher was here,
(was here?*)
To run him some trails and drink beer.
(drink beer?*)
He molested a cow,
And buggered a sow,
Two hares and a fully grown steer.

Chorus
Ohhhhh, Ai, ya, ya, yaaa,
(Use one line insult here from list below)
So sing me another verse,
That’s worse than the other verse,
and waltz me around by my willy.

(Sing limericks for verses and alternate with chorus)

(Insults):
Your mother does squat thrusts on fire hydrants.
Your sister got turned down by hashers.
Your brother bends over for quarters.
Your sister swims after troop ships.
You and your father are brothers.
Your sister goes down for a quarter.
Your brother wears white silk stockings.
Your sister douches with Drano.
Your father’s boyfriend’s in prison.
Your sister’s in love with a carrot.
Your mother likes gangbangs from scout troops.
Your sister sucks moose cum off pine cones.
Your mother sucks farts from dead chickens.
Your father does eight year old Brownies.
Your mother uses Frisbees for diaphragms.
Your brother likes sheep more than women.
Your mother eats shit and lives.
Your sister give head to your brother.
Your mother’s vibrator is made by John Deere.

The Limericks
There was a young lady named Alice,
Who used dynamite for a phallus,
They found her vagina,
In North Carolina,
Her arsehole in Buckingham Palace.

When her daughter got married in Bicester,
Her mother remarked as she kissed her,
“That fellow you’ve won,
Is sure to be fun,
Since tea he’s fucked me and your sister.”

The jolly old Bishop of Birmingham,
He buggered three maids while confirming ’em,
As they knelt seeking God,
He excited his rod,
And pumped his Episcopal Sperm in ’em.

There once was a young man from Brighton,
Who said to a young lass, “You’re a tight’un!”
She said, “Listen, Hon,
You’re in the wrong one.
There’s plenty of room in the right one.”

A fisherman off of Cape Cod,
Who attempted to bugger a cod,
When up came some scallops,
That nibbled his bullocks,
And now he’s eunuch, by God.

There was a young harlot of Crete,
Who was hawking her meat in the street,
Ambling out one fine day,
In a casual way,
She clapped up the whole British fleet.

A lady while dining at Crewe,
Found an elephant’s dong in her stew,
Said the waiter, “Don’t shout,
Or wave it about,
Or the others will all want one too.!”

There was a young woman of Croft,
Who played with herself in a loft,
Having reasoned that candles,
Could never cause scandals,
Besides which they did not go soft.

There was a young man named Dave,
Who kept a dead whore in a cave,
She was missing a tit,
And smelled quite a bit,
But think of the money he saves.

There once was a girl from Decator,
Who was laid by a big alligator,
Now nobody knew,
The results of that screw,
Cuz after he laid her he ate her.

There was a young lady from Dee,
Whose hymen was split into three,
And when she was diddled,
The middle string fiddled,
“Nearer, My God, To Thee.”

There was a young lady of Dexter,
Whose husband exceedingly vexed her,
For whenever they’d start,
He’d unfailingly fart,
With a blast that damn nearly unsexed her.

There once was a young lady named Dot,
Who lived on pigshit and snot,
When she could not get these,
She ate the green cheese,
That she scraped off the sides of her twat.

There was a strong man of Drumrig,
Who one day did seven times frig,
He buggered three sailors,
Four butchers, two tailors,
And ended by fucking a pig.

There was an old man of Duluth,
Whose cock was shot off in his youth,
He fucked with his nose,
And with fingers and toes,
And he came through a hole in his tooth.

There was an old man of Dundee,
Who came home as drunk as could be.
He wound up the clock,
With the end of his cock,
And buggered his wife with the key.

There was a young lady of Exeter,
So pretty that men craned their necks at her.
One went so far,
As to wave from his car,
The distingushing mark of this sex at her.

There was a young lady from France,
Who decided to take just one chance.
For an hour or so,
She just let herself go,
And now all her sisters are aunts.

A young man with passions quite gingery,
Tore a hole in his sister’s best lingerie.
He slapped her behind,
And made up his mind,
To add incest to insult and injury.

A TV anchor named Hughes,
Had a ratings trick that couldn’t lose,
When an item was hot,
It’s taped to her twat,
And she’s on the air spreading the news.

A fellow whose surname was Hunt,
Trained his cock to perform a slick stunt.
This versatile spout,
Could be turned inside out,
Like a glove that he used as a cunt.

There once was a girl from Jayling,
Who said she had no sexual feeling.
Until a cynic named Boris,
Touched her clitoris,
And they’re still scraping her off the ceiling.

There was a young fellow named Keith,
Who liked to be fondled beneath.
It was fun, he decided,
But only provided
The girl used her lips, not her teeth.

There was a young couple named Kelly,
Who once got stuck belly to belly,
Because in their haste,
They used library paste,
Instead of petroleum jelly.

There was a young fellow from Kent,
Whose prick was so long that it bent,
To save himself trouble,
He put it in double,
And instead of cumming he went.

There was a young lady from Kew,
Who filled her vagina with glue.
She said with a grin,
“If they pay to get in,
They’ll pay to get out of it too.”

There was a young lady of Kew,
Who said as the Curate withdrew,
“The Vicar is slicker,
And quicker and thicker,
And two inches longer than you.”

There was a young fellow named Kimble,
Whose dick was exceedingly nimble,
But fragile and slender,
And dainty and tender,
So he kept it encased in a thimble.

There was a young plumber of Lea,
Who was plumbing a girl by the sea.
She said, “Stop your plumbing,
There’s somebody coming!”
Said the plumber, still plumbing, “It’s me!”

There was a young fellow from Leeds,
Who swallowed a package of seeds.
Great tufts of grass,
Sprouted out of his ass,
And his balls were all covered with weeds.

There was a young man from Lynn,
Whose prick was the size of a pin.
Said his girl with a laugh,
As she fondled his staff,
“This won’t be much of a sin.”

There was a young lady from Maine,
Who enjoyed copulating on a train.
Not once, I maintain,
But again and again,
And again and again and again.

I once knew a girl named Maureen
Her cunt was a mass of gangrene
But health nuts she found
Would still eat her mound
‘Cause maggots are high in protein

There was a young girl named McCall,
Whose Cunt was exceedingly small,
But the size of her anus,
Was something quite heinous-
It could hold seven dicks and one ball.

A disgusting young man named McGill,
Made his neighbors exceedingly ill,
When they learned of his habits,
Involving white rabbits,
And a bird with a flexible bill.

There once was a man named McNamiter,
With a tool of prodigious diameter,
But it wasn’t the size,
That opened girls eyes,
‘Twas his beat iambic pentameter.

There once was a fellow named McSweeney,
Who spilled some gin on his weenie,
Now just to be couth,
He added vermouth,
And slipped his girl a martini.

There was a young woman named Melanie,
Who was asked by a man, “Do you sell any?”
She replied, “No siree,
I give it away for free.
To sell it, dear sir, is a felony.

There once was a young man from Missouri,
Who fucked with a terrible fury,
Till hauled into court,
For his bestial sport,
And condemned by a poorly hung jury.

There was a young maid from Mobile,
Whose pussy was made of blue steel.
She got her thrills,
From pneumatic drills,
And off-centered emery wheels.

There was a young man of Nantucket,
Whose prick was so long he could suck it,
He said, with a grin,
As he wiped off his chin,
“If my ear were I cunt, I’d fuck it.”

An elderly pervert in Nice,
Who was long past wanting a piece,
Would jack-off his hogs,
His cows and his dogs,
Till his parrot called in the police.

A hermit who had an oasis,
Thought it the best of all places.
He could pray and be calm,
‘Neath a pleasant date palm,
While the lice on his penis ran races.

There was a young man from Paree,
Who buggered an ape in a tree,
The result was quite horrid,
All ass and no forehead,
Three balls and a purple goatee.

There was a young man from Rancine,
Who invented a fucking machine,
Concave or convex,
It could fit either sex,
And jerk itself off in between.

Rosalina, a pretty young lass,
Had a truly magnificent ass,
Not rounded and pink,
As you possibly think-
It was grey, had long ears, and ate grass.

A Scotsman who lived by the Loch,
Had holes down the length of his cock,
When he got an erection,
He would play a selection,
From Johann Sebastian Bach.

There was a young nun from Siberia,
Endowed with a virgin interior,
Until an old monk,
Jumped into her bunk,
And now she’s the Mother Superior.

There was a young lady from Sidney,
Who took it right up to the kidney,
One fellow by heck,
Went right up to his neck,
He had a big one now, didn’t he?

There was a young man of St. James,
Who indulged in the jolliest of games.
He lighted the rim,
Of his grandmother’s glim,
And laughed as she pissed through the flames.

There was a young man of St. Johns,
Who wanted to bugger the swans.
“Oh no,” said the porter,
“You bugger my daughter,
Them swans is reserved for the Dons.”

There was a young lady of Trent,
Who said that she knew what it meant,
When he asked her to dine,
Private room, lots of wine,
She knew, oh she knew, but she went!

There was a young student of Trinity,
Who shattered his sister’s virginity.
He buggered his brother,
Had twins by his mother,
And took double honour in Divinity.

A broken down harlot named Tupps,
Was heard to confess in her cups:
“The height of my folly,
Was fucking a collie-
But I got a nice price for the pups.”

At the orgy I fucked twenty-two,
And man, was I glad to get through,
A whole night of sexing,
Turns boring and vexing,
But at orgies, what else can you do?

There was a young lady of Twickenham,
Who regretted that men had no prick in them,
On her knees every day,
To her God she would pray,
To lengthen and strengthen, and thicken ’em.

A lady astrologist in Vancouver,
Once captured a man by maneuver.
Influenced by Venus,
She jumped on his penis,
And nothing on Earth could remove her.

A maiden who lived in Virginny,
Had a cunt that could bark, neigh and whinny.
The hunting set chased her,
Fucked, buggered, then dropped her,
For the pitch of her organ went tinny.

There once was a lady from Wheeling,
Who protested she lacked sexual feeling,
til a cynic named Boris,
Touched her Clitoris,
And the scraped her off the ceiling.

There once was a whore on the dock,
From dusk until dawn she sucked cock,
‘Til one day it’s said,
She gave so much head,
She exploded and whitewashed the block.

A organist playing in York,
Had a prick that could hold a small fork.
And between obbligatos,
He’d much at tomatoes,
And keep up his strength while at work.

A young married couple from Aberysthwyth,
Knew another you couple they played whist with,
They all managed when able,
To reach under the table,
And play with what the other ones pissed with.

There was a young man from Aberysthwyth,
Who said the girl he just kissed with
“That hole in your crotch,
Is for fucking and such,
And not just a gadget to piss with.”

There once was a woman from Abude,
Who went to the movies in the nude.
A man way up front,
Said, “I can smell cunt!”
Just like that, right out loud, Bloody Rude!

There once was a couple from Adair,
That made love at the top of the stair.
On the sixty-eighth stroke,
The banister broke,
And they did 69 in the air.

In the Garden of Eden sat Adam,
Just stroking the butt of his madam,
He was quaking with mirth,
For in all of the earth,
There were only two balls, and he had ’em.

The Bishop of Alexandretta
Loved a girl and he couldn’t forget her,
So he thought he’d enshrine her,
As the Holy Vagina
In the Church of the Sacred French Letter.

There was a young lady called Alice,
Who pissed in the Archbishop’s chalice,
It was not for the need,
She committed the deed,
Out of simple sectarian malice.

There was a young lady named Alice,
Who thought of her cunt as a chalice,
One night sleeping nude,
She awoke, feeling lewd,
And found in her chalice a phallus.
There once was a girl named Ann Heiser,
Who claimed no man could surprise her,
But Pabst took a chance,
Found Schlitz in her pants,
And now she is sadder Budweiser.

There was a young lady named Anna,
Who stuffed her friend’s cunt with a banana,
Which she sucked bit by bit,
From her partner’s warm slit,
In the most approved lesbian manner.

There was a young lady called Annie,
Who had fleas, lice and crabs up her fanny,
To get up her flue,
Was like touring the zoo,
There were wild beasts in each nook and cranny.

The aged Archbishop of Joppa,
Said, “I think circumcision improper,
If the organ is small,
But I don’t mind at all,
About cutting a slice off a whopper.”

There once was a lady from Arden,
Who sucked a man off in a garden,
He said, “My dear Flo,
Where does all that stuff go?”
And she said, (Swallow hard) – I beg pardon?”

There was a young girl from Assizes,
Whose breasts were of two different sizes,
The left one was small,
Sweet nothing at all,
The right one was large and won prizes.

There was a young man from Australia,
Who went on a wild bacchanalia,
He buggered a frog,
Two mice, and a dog,
And a bishop in fullest regalia.

There was a young man from Australia,
Who painted his arse like a dahlia,
The drawing was fine,
The color divine,
But the scent-–ah, that was a failure.

There was an old maid from the Azores,
Whose cunt was all covered in sores,
Even dogs in the street,
Wouldn’t touch the green meat,
That hung in festoons from her drawers.

There was a young fellow named Babitt,
Who could screw nine times like a rabbit,
But a girl from Lahore,
Could do it twice more,
Which was just enough extra to crab it.

There once was a learned baboon
Who always played on the bassoon.
For he said, “it appears
That in billions of years,
I shall finally hit on a tune.”

A certain your maiden from Babylon,
Decided to lure all the rabble-on,
By dropping her shirt,
And raising her skirt,
Exposing a market to dabble-on.

There was a young damsel named Baker,
Who was poked in a pew by a Quaker,
He yelled, “My God! What,
Do you call that –– a twat?
Why the entrance is more that an acre!”

Sir Reginald Basington Bart,
Went to a masked ball as a fart,
He had painted his face,
Like a more private place,
And his voice made the dowagers start.

There was a young sailor named Bates,
Who danced the fandango on skates,
He fell on his cutlass,
Which rendered him nutless,
And practically useless on dates.

There’s a charming young lady named Beaulie,
Who’s often been screwed by yours truly,
But now –– it’s appalling,
My balls always fall in!
I fear that I’ve fucked her unduly.

He found one and took it to bed,
And then in dismay he dropped dead,
For that spiraling snatch,
Though nearly a match,
Had cum with a left-handed thread.

There was a young girl who begat,
Three brats, by name Nat, Pat and Tat,
It was fun in the breeding,
But hell in the feeding,
When she found she had no tit for Tat.

There was a young man of Belgravia,
Who cared neither for God nor his Saviour.
He walked down the Strand,
With his cock in his hand,
And was had up for indecent behaviour.

There once was a young girl from Belize,
Who said to her lover, “Oh please,
You would heighten my bliss,
If you played more with this,
And paid less attention to these.

There was a young man of Bengal,
Who went to a fancy dress ball,
Just for a stunt,
He dressed up as a cunt,
And was fucked by a dog in the hall.

There was a young man from Bengal,
Who had a rectangular ball,
The square of its weight,
Plus his penis times eight,
Was two-fifths of five eighths of fuck all.

There once was a fellow from Beverly,
Went in for fucking quite heavily,
He fucked night and day,
Till his ballocks gave way,
But the doctors replaced them quite cleverly.

There once was a fellow from Beverly,
Went in for fucking quite heavily,
He fucked night and day,
Till his bullocks gave way,
But the doctors replaced them quite cleverly.

A philandering pres named Bill,
Was married to a lawyer named “Hill”,
He played on the side,
And repeatedly lied,
‘Cuz his female intern said “I will”

There was a young parson named Binns,
Who talked about women and things.
But his secret desire,
Was a boy in the choir,
With the bottom like jelly on springs.

The jolly old Bishop of Birmingham,
He buggered three maids while confirming ’em,
As they knelt seeking God,
He excited his rod,
And pumped his Episcopal Sperm in ’em.

There were two young ladies of Birmingham,
And this is the story concerning ’em,
They lifted the frock,
And diddled the cock,
Of the Bishop as he was confirming ’em.

But the Bishop was nobody’s fool,
He’d been to a large public school,
He pulled down their britches,
And diddled those bitches,
With his ten-inch Episcopal tool.

On the bridge sat the Bishop of Buckingham,
Thinking of twats and of sucking ’em,
And watching the stunts,
Of the cunts in the punts,
And the tricks of the pricks that were fucking ’em.

There was a young fellow named Bliss,
Whose sex life was strangely amiss,
For even with Venus,
His recalcitrant penis,
Would never do better than this.

There once was a fairy named Bloom,
Who took a queer up to his room,
They fought half the night,
To see who had the right,
To do what, where, and how to whom.

There was a young man of Bombay,
Who fashioned a cunt out of clay,
But the heat of his prick
Turned the clay into brick,
And it rubbed all his foreskin away.

That dirty old hasher Flying Booger
Was looking for a perverted hooker.
He found a vision in satin
Who knew Greek but no Latin
So up the Hershey highway he took her.

There once was a young man from Boston,
Who tried to get laid in Austin,
There was room for his ass,
And four gallons of gas,
But his balls hung outside and he lost ’em.

“In Boston,” said Jane, “it makes sense
To go for the specialty; hence
I’ve come to get scrod.”
And her friend said, “That’s odd,
You’ve used the past pluperfect tense.”

There was a young fellow named Bouch,
Who invited a girl to a couch,
He said, “Pretty young miss,
I will take you, I wish,
Horizontally, vertically, crouch.”

There was a young lady named Brent,
With a cunt of enormous extent,
And so deep and wide,
The acoustics inside,
Were so good you could hear when you spent.

There was a young lady in Brent,
When her old man’s pecker is bent,
She said with a sigh,
“Oh why must it die?
Let’s fill it with Portland Cement.”

There was a young fellow named Brewster,
Who said to his wife as he goosed her,
“It used to be grand,
But just look at my hand,
You ain’t wiping as clean as you used ‘ter.”

There was a young trucker named Briard,
Who had a young whore that he hired,
To fuck when not trucking,
But trucking plus fucking,
Got him so fucking tired he got fired.

There was a young sailor from Brighten,
Who said to his girl “You’re a tight ‘un,”
She replied, ” ‘Pon my soul,
You’re in the wrong hole,
There’s plenty of room in the right ‘un.”

That old aussie hasher named Bruce,
Had a dick that was really no use,
But in bed with his Sheila,
With his fingers he’d feel her,
And his tongue would then lap up her juice.

There once was a Duchess of Bruges,
Whose cunt was incredibly huge,
Said the King to this dame,
As he thunderously came,
“Mon Dieu! Apres Moi, Le deluge!”

There once was a man named Bruno,
Who said “Fucking is on thing I do know.
A woman is divine,
A boy is more fine,
But a llama is numero uno.”

An Argentine gaucho named Bruno,
Said, “Fucking is one thing I do know,
A woman is fine,
A boy is divine,
But a llama is ‘numero uno’.”

There once was a Bishop of Buckingham,
Who wrote ‘Woman and Twelve ways of Fuckin’ ’em’,
He then went berserk,
When outdone by a Turk,
Who wrote ‘Assholes and Twelve Way of Suckin’ ’em’.

The gay young Duke of Buckingham,
Stood on the bridge at Rockingham,
Watching the stunts,
Of the cunts and the punts,
And the tricks of the pricks that were fucking ’em.

There once was a Queen of Bulgaria,
Whose bush had grown hairier and hairier,
Till a Prince from Peru,
Who came for a screw,
Had to hunt for her cunt with a terrier.

There was a bloke in Calcutta,
Who did a shit in the gutter,
Sun was so hot,
Melted his balls on the spot,
And off they flowed like butter.

There was a young man from Calleen,
Who invented a fucking machine,
He pulled out the choke,
And the bloody thing broke,
And mixed both his balls into cream.

There was a young man from Cape Cod,
Who put his own mother in pod,
Nis name? It was Tucker,
The Bugger, the Fucker,
The Bleeder, The Bastard, The Sod.

A pretty young thing from Cape Cod,
Said, “Good things come only from God.”
But ’twas not the Almighty,
Who lifted her nightie,
But Roger the lodger, the sod.

There was a young man from Cape Horn,
Who wished he had never been born,
He wouldn’t have been,
If his father had seen,
That the end of his Frenchie was torn.

There once was a passionate young Celt,
Who’d an urge to know how a cock felt,
One went in hard and straight,
But the heat was so great,
The she found she had caused it to melt.

An unfortunate fellow named Chase,
Had an ass that was badly misplaced,
He showed indignation,
When an investigation,
Proved that few persons shit through their face.

There was a young lady of Cheam,
Who crept into the vestry unseen,
She pulled down her knickers,
And likewise the Vicar’s,
And said, “How about it, ol’ bean?”

A nasty old bugger of Cheltenham,
Once shit in his bags as he knelt in ’em,
He sold them at Ware,
To a gentleman there,
Who didn’t much like what he smelt in ’em.

There was a young woman of Chester,
Who said to the man who undressed her,
“I think you will find,
That it’s better behind,
As the front is beginning to fester.”

There once was a novice at Chichester,
Whose form made the saints in their niches stir.
One morning at matins,
Her bosom ‘neath stains,
Made the Bishop of Chichester’s britches stir.

“For the tenth time, dull Daphne,” said Chlo-ey,
“You told me my bosom is snowy,
You’ve made much fine verse on,
Each part of my person,
Now do something – there’s a good boy.”

A policeman from near Clapham Junction,
Had a penis which just wouldn’t function,
For the rest of his life,
He misled his poor wife,
With a snot on the end of his truncheon.

There was a young lady of Crewe,
Whose cherry a chap had got through,
Which she told to her mother,
Who fixed her another,
Out of rubber and red ink and glue.

A lady while dining at Crewe,
Found an elephant’s dong in her stew,
Said the waiter, “Don’t shout,
Or wave it about,
Or the others will all want one too.!”

There was a young lady from Crewe-Pitt,
Who did something amazingly stupid,
After her lover had spent,
She douched with cement,
And later gave birth to a statue of cupid.

There once was a young lady from Dallas,
Who used dynamite as a phallus.
They found her vagina,
In North Carolina,
And bits of her tits in Dallas.

There was a young girl of Darjeeling,
Who could dance with such exquisite feeling,
There was never a sound,
For miles around,
Save of fly-buttons hitting the ceiling.

There was a young Scot from Delray,
Who buggered his father one day.
Saying, “I like it rather,
To stuff up Father,
He’s clean and there’s nothing to pay.

To his bride said the one-eyed detective,
“Can it be that my eyesight’s defective?
Has your east tit the least bit,
The best of your west tit,
Or is it a trick of perspective?”

There was a young girl of Detroit,
Who at fucking was very adroit.
She could squeeze her vagina,
To a pin-point, or finer,
Or open it out like a quoit.

There was a young girl of Devon,
Who was raped in the garden by seven,
High Anglican Priests-
The lascivious beasts-
Of such is the kingdom of Heaven

There was a young lady of Dexter,
Whose husband exceedingly vexed her,
For whenever they’d start,
He’d unfailingly fart,
With a blast that damn nearly unsexed her.

There was a strong man of Drumrig,
Who one day did seven times frig,
He buggered three sailors,
Four butchers, two tailors,
And ended by fucking a pig.

There was an old man of Duluth,
Whose cock was shot off in his youth,
He fucked with his nose,
And with fingers and toes,
And he came through a hole in his tooth.

There was a young girl of Dundee,
Who was raped by an ape in a tree.
The result was most horrid-
All ass and no forehead,
Three balls and a purple goatee.

The new cinematic emporium,
Is not just a super sensorium,
But a highly effectual,
Heterosexual,
Mutual masterbatorium.

An Eskimo on his vacation,
Took a night off to succumb to temptation.
Ere the night was half through,
The Eskimo was, too,
For their nights are of six months’ duration.

I love her in her evening gown,
I love her in her nighty,
But when the moonlight flits,
Between her tits,
Jesus Christ almighty!

There once was a villain most feared,
Who tied a girl to the train tracks and leered,
But he tied her up wrong ways,
Not crossways, but long ways.
And a forty car train disappeared.

There once was a Filipino hombre,
Who ate rice, pescado y legumbre.
His trousers were wide,
And his shirt hung outside,
And this, I may say, was costumbre.

There once was a hasher from Fort Worth,
Whose tool was of unusual girth,
When a girl from the south,
Took his dick in her mouth,
She said, “I’m sorry I can’t say the last verth.”

A hasher from Down-Under did find,
He was in Paris with sheep on his mind.
So he tried a French ewe,
Filling this poor sheep with spew,
Her diarrhea making it a wonderous grind.

There was a young man of high station,
Who was found by a pious relation.
Making love in a ditch,
To – I won’t say a bitch-
But a woman of no reputation.

There was a young lady named Hilda,
Who went for a walk with a builder.
He knew that he could,
An he should, and he would-
And he did – and he goddam near killed her!

There was a young lady named Hitchin,
Who was scratching her crotch in the kitchen,
Her mother said, “Rose,
It’s the crabs, I suppose.”
She said, “Yes, and the buggers are itchin’.”

There once was a girl from Hoboken,
Who claimed her cherry was broken,
From riding a bike,
On a cobblestone pike,
But it was really broken from pokin’.

A hillbilly farmer named Hollis,
With possums and snakes sought his solace,
His children had scales,
And prehensile tails,
And voted for Governor Wallace.

A TV anchor named Hughes,
Had a ratings trick that couldn’t lose,
When an item was hot,
It’s taped to her twat,
And she’s on the air spreading the news.

A towering boor named Infernal,
Sported organs of sex internal,
When an insensitive lass,
Did take him to task,
He replied, “Contraria contrariis curantur-al.”
(“Things are cured by their opposite-als”)

They say Jack and his best girlfriend Jill,
One nice day went and climbed up a hill.
Was it water they’re after?
Then why all the laughter?
And how come Jill made sure of her pill?

There once was an old Jew from Peru,
Who was vainly trying to screw,
His wife said, “Oi vey,
If you don’t hurry,
The messiah will come before you!”

There was a young fellow named Keith,
Who liked to be fondled beneath.
It was fun, he decided,
But only provided
The girl used her lips, not her teeth.

There once was a rabbi from Keith,
Who circumcised men with his teeth.
It was not for the treasure,
Nor sexual pleasure,
But to get at the cheese underneath.

There was a young couple named Kelly,
Who were found stuck belly to belly,
Because in their haste,
The used library paste,
Instead of petroleum jelly.

There was a young couple named Kelly,
Who once got stuck belly to belly,
Because in their haste,
They used library paste,
Instead of petroleum jelly.

There was a young lady of Kew,
Who said as the Curate withdrew,
“The Vicar is slicker,
And quicker and thicker,
And two inches longer than you.”

That selfsame young lady of Kew,
Said as the vicar withdrew,
“The Verger’s emerger
Is longer and lurger
And he gets his balls in too.”

There was a young fellow named Kimble,
Whose dick was exceedingly nimble,
But fragile and slender,
And dainty and tender,
So he kept it encased in a thimble.

All the lady-apes ran from Kin Kong,
For his dong was unspeakably long.
But a friendly giraff,
Quaffed his yard and a half,
And ecstatically burst into song.

The last time I dined with the King,
He did quite a curious thing.
He sat on a stool,
And took out his tool,
And said, “If I play, will you sing.”

King Louis gave a lesson in class,
One time he was sexing a lass,
When she used the word ‘Damn’
He rebuked her: “Please ma’am,
Keep a more civil tongue in my ass.”

There was a young plumber of Lea,
Who was plumbing a girl by the sea.
She said, “Stop your plumbing,
There’s somebody coming!”
Said the plumber, still plumbing, “It’s me!”

There was a young fellow from Leeds,
Who swallowed a package of seeds.
Great tufts of grass,
Sprouted out of his ass,
And his balls were all covered with weeds.

When a lecherous curate at Leeds,
Was discovered, one day, in the weeds,
Astride a young nun,
He said, “Christ this is fun.
Far better than telling one’s beads!”

Limericks are art forms complex,
Their topics run chiefly to sex.
They usually have virgins,
And masculine urgin’s,
And other erotic effects.

Where is Little Boy Blue this fine morn?
In the haystack as sure as you’re born,
But he isn’t asleep;
He’s with Little Bo-Peep;
And just look where he’s putting his horn.

“As for screwing,” said Little Miss Muffet,
“I proclaim here and now that I love it.
I defy the authority
Of the Moral Majority.
They can take all their preaching and stuff it.”

There once was a man named Magoo,
Who went paddling out in a canoe,
When he hit a rock,
He quickly grabbed his cock,
And surfaced with a hand full of goo.

A kinky hasher named Martinez,
Liked to carve grooves in a penis,
To make it so rough
It would scuff her tough muff,
And bring her passion to a zenith.

There once was a man named McNamiter,
With a tool of prodigious diameter,
But it wasn’t the size,
That opened girls eyes,
‘Twas his beat iambic pentameter.

There once was a fellow named McSweeney,
Who spilled some gin on his weenie,
Now just to be couth,
He added vermouth,
And slipped his girl a martini.

There once was a young man from Missouri,
Who fucked with a terrible fury,
Till hauled into court,
For his bestial sport,
And condemned by a poorly hung jury.

A handsome young monk in a wood,
Told a girl she should cling to the good.
She obeyed him, and gladly;
He repulsed her, but sadly,
“My dear, you have misunderstood.”

A man on a farm in Moritz,
Once planted two acres of titz,
They came up in the fall,
Pink nipples and all,
Then he leisurely chewed them to bitz.

There was a young lady from Munich,
Who was ravished one night by a eunuch,
At the height of her passion,
He slipped her a ration,
From a squirt gun concealed in his tunic.

There once was a girl from Nantique,
Whose sex life was very erratic.
She dodged every feller,
From third floor to cellar,
But slept with them all in the attic.

There once was a man from Nantucket,
Who took a pig in the bushes to fuck it.
But as he entered from the rear,
The pig squealed “NO!, come around here,
Enter from the front and I’ll suck it.

An elderly pervert in Nice,
Who was long past wanting a piece,
Would jack-off his hogs,
His cows and his dogs,
Till his parrot called in the police.

A chap down in Oklahoma,
Had a dick that could sing LaPaloma,
But the sweetness of pitch,
Couldn’t put off the hitch,
Of impotence, size and aroma.

There once was a fellow named Perkin,
Who was constantly jerkin’ his yerkin,
Said his father with a plea,
“Son won’t you listen to me,
Your yerkin’s not for jerkin’ it’s fer ferkin.”

There once was a woman from Peru,
Who stuffed up her pussy with glue.
She said with a grin,
“They’ll fight to get in,
And they’ll fight to get out of it too!”

There was an old lady from Phlox,
Who set dynamite off in her box,
When asked the sensation,
She cried with elation,
“It’s better than elephant cocks!”

There was a young lady called Phoebe,
Who kept a small tame amoebae,
The wee piece of jelly,
Would crawl on her belly,
And tenderly murmur “Ich liebe.”

The pilot come home a flying,
Then get a young girl to sighing.
By praising her twat in,
Both Greek and in Latin,
Then fucking her ’til she was dying.

She wasn’t what one would call pretty,
And other girls offered her pity.
So nobody guessed,
That her Wasserman test,
Involved half of Oklahoma City.

A frustrated virgin named Pugh,
Once dreamed she was having a scrugh,
Repenting her sin,
She awoke with chagrin,
At finding it perfectly trugh.

There once was a man from Rangoon,
Who was born nine months too soon,
He didn’t have the luck,
To be born by a fuck,
He was scraped off the sheets with spoon.

There was a young lawyer named Rex,
With diminutive organs of sex,
When hauled in for exposure,
He replied with composure,
“De minimis non curat lex.”
(“The law does not concern itself with trivial things.”)

There was a young fellow named Rick,
Who was cursed with a spiraling dick,
He started to hunt,
For a twisted up cunt,
That would match his curly-cue prick.

There was a young German named Ringer,
Who was screwing an opera singer.
Said he with a grin,
“Well, I’ve dure got it in!”
Said she, “You mean that ain’t your finger?”

There was a young woman named Sally
Who loved an occasional dally.
She sat on the lap
Of a well-endowed chap,
And said, “ooh, you’re right up my alley.”

There was a young fellow named Scott,
Who took a girl out on his yacht,
But too lazy to rape her,
He made darts of brown paper,
Which he languidly tossed at her twat.

A girl from the city was seen,
Fulfilling a life long dream.
He was sucking goat meat,
Not swallowing the cum treat,
But using it for facial cream.

There once was a monk from Siberia,
Whose life it grew drearier and drearier,
He did to a nun,
What he shouldn’t have done,
And now she’s a mother superior.

There was a young lady from Sidney,
Who took it right up to the kidney,
One fellow by heck,
Went right up to his neck,
He had a big one now, didn’t he?

There was a young man of St. James,
Who indulged in the jolliest of games.
He lighted the rim,
Of his grandmother’s glim,
And laughed as she pissed through the flames.

The prior of Dunstan St. Just,
Consumed with erotical lust,
Raped the Bishop’s prize fowls
Buggered four startled owls,
And a little green lizard, that bust.

When a woman in strapless attire,
Found her breasts working higher and higher,
A guest, with great feeling,
Exclaimed, “How appealing!
Do you mind if I piss in the fire?”

A deacon of Tantary-Crim,
Whose notions of fucking were grim,
Used to get lots of fun
Out of stuffing a nun
With the sign of the cross on her quim.

While Titian was mixing rose madder,
He espied a nude girl on a ladder.
Her position to Titian,
Suggested coition,
So he climbed up the ladder and had ‘er.

There was a young man of Trieste,
Who loved his young wife with such zest,
That despite all her howls,
He sucked out her bowels,
And puked up the mess on her chest.

There was a young student of Trinity,
Who shattered his sister’s virginity.
He buggered his brother,
Had twins by his mother,
And took double honour in Divinity.

A broken down harlot named Tupps,
Was heard to confess in her cups:
“The height of my folly,
Was fucking a collie-
But I got a nice price for the pups.”

At the orgy I fucked twenty-two,
And man, was I glad to get through,
A whole night of sexing,
Turns boring and vexing,
But at orgies, what else can you do?

But that didn’t bother these two,
They said as the Bishop withdrew,
“The Vicar is slicker,
And quicker and thicker,
And longer and stronger than you.”

A habit both vile and unsavory,
Kept the Bishop of London in slavery,
With lecherous howls,
He deflowered little owls,
That he kept in an underground aviary.

A hasher, disgustingly vile,
Was swallowed by a crocodile,
Who digested his skin,
And most things within,
But choked on his MEMBRUM VIRILE.

A organist playing in York,
Had a prick that could hold a small fork.
And between obbligatos,
He’d much at tomatoes,
And keep up his strength while at work.

A Santa flew down chimney hole,
To deliver a hasher some coal,
He drank all his beer,
And belched with good cheer,
Then pleasured his wife with his pole.

A Stray Dog was ranging the trail,
To catch up with the pack and the ale,
When out of the grass,
Came the hare hauling ass,
Chased by three dogs a biting his tail.

A hasher was once named Long John,
Who pissed on the deputy’s lawn,
The pack heard the shot,
So the poor miserable sot,
Was renamed to Short John, not long.