#373 – Tacky Tourist

So there we were… in the parking lot at the beach ball… on time… with no beer in sight. Someone who will remain nameless (CSI) graced us with his presence an hour late…… WITH ALL THE BEER!!!

So in the meantime, a small band of misfits who were lying in wait decided to go on an adventure to rectify this misfortunate turn of events. A cooler with ice in it was presented by the newbie A Very Berry Fairy (sadly we had already polished off the few beers the poor guy actually had). The cooler was hence forth DRAGGED across 2 hot ass parking lots to the 7-Eleven. Red Hot was met at the door by a feisty old lady who happened to work there who annoyingly asked, “Is that a soda in your koozie?” to which Red Hot replied, “………………………Why yes…. Yes it is.” Feisty Old Lady was having none of Red’s shenanigans and made her leave the “soda” outside. Whomp Whomp!

As Red was dragged kicking, screaming, and crying away from her beer, she was promptly tossed into the beer cooler to obtain nectar for the hash. At this point, she started dancing and singing the song from the movie Frozen, and was immediately advised to stop or die. After procuring said nectar they dragged the new, exceedingly full, cooler back to the hash and where they were met with many praises.

While continuing to wait for CSI, Sprays Anatomy and Red Hot squeezed their ample bosoms into some kiddie floats and proceeded to play bumper cars. Once that novelty wore off, they just started ramming into everyone and were chased around the parking lot.

Once CSI arrived (7 hours late), circle was kicked off (led by the infamous Pinkie) and the hares (CSI, Red Hot, and Triple Action) took off. Upon arriving at the first bar (The Dock), we proceeded to down a large amount of frozen adult beverages. The DJ started taking requests (God help the wanker) and everyone hit the dance floor. Next to the dance floor there was a glorious sight to behold…… a not-so-shiny and definitely STD-riddled stripper pole. Red issued a challenge to all male hashers to show off their best stripper moves. There were many impressive (and equally sad) moves, but laughs were had by all….. at least until A Very Berry Fairy hit the pole. After much trash talk, he FINALLY worked up the nerve to show off his moves (which were impressive), but he was quickly kicked off the pole by management and we were all advised that the pole was “for ladies only due to weight limits” to which A Very Berry Fairy put up a very valid argument. “Oh come on….. That chick over there (non hasher) was all over the pole and she weights WAAAAAAAY more than me!”…… Touche’ Fairy, Touche’! But I digress.

A few moments later the hares took off with the pack hot on their tails. Upon arriving at Flounders, everyone was provided with a glorious Diesel Fuel. GIGGIDY! After that, everyone was feeling pretty awesome, I must say. We lined up for our 2014 Tacky Tourist mug shot… I mean group pic. After we drank the place dry, the hares were off again to the next bar.

Once safely nestled inside The Islander, the hares decided to sneak in a few shots of Fireball – which were spectacular! The pack finally arrived and dancing, drinking, and games ensued. A muggle was fascinated with the hashers and started asking many important questions…

What the hell is wrong with you people?
Do ya’ll always act like this?
What is this hash thing in which you speak of?
Want to take some shots?
You guys have nice asses!

Once the final statement was made, Red made the muggle a guest judge, and kicked off the first ever Ass Competition. There were many eager participants and it ended up being a draw (I have the picture to prove this BTW). Once we wrapped up with our fruitless endeavors, we proceed to the final bar (The Break) for more beer, food, and closing circle. Red River and Pinkie set up a beautiful feast fit for royalty (and by that, I mean nommy burgers and hot dogs for drunk bitches). Once our faces were stuffed and vessels refilled, we headed into the back ally for closing circle. It was fantastic and if you missed it, you suck and will be punished in the next circle! Finally we ended circle and sent everyone on their merry little ways…. And NO….. To Red’s delight, there were NO injuries this year!

Until next time bitches…


Red Hot

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