Grand Master (GM) – The titular head (who said head?!) of Survivor H3. The chairman of the board. The big cheese. The HMFIC. The guiding light. Gispert’s legacy. The GM is not simply a figure head for the hash, rather he personifies the hash’s character (or lack thereof.) He leads with a dynamic strength that permeates the fabric of the organization. Both directly, and through his officers, he gives inspiration, direction, and vision to all. Presides over the opening of the circle at trail’s end. Capable of telling hundreds of hashing anecdotes all starting something like this: “when I was hashing in Illinois, we stopped at this pub and…” Also makes random and arbitrary decisions about hash activities that everyone ends up ignoring.
Grand Masters Assistant (GMs Ass) – Sometimes known as the Great Pretender since he pretends to be the GM and/or RA when the GM and/or RA aren’t able to preside over the post-trail ceremonies in the circle. Must be astute in acting officious and tight-arsed. Secretly makes money by producing diamonds from charcoal briquettes. No one knows exactly how…
Religious Advisor (RA) – The person who “punishes” members of the pack for trail crimes in the circle after each trail. Pretends to know several hashing songs and up to ten words in English. Must be able to yell and be yelled at and must also be fluent in jibberish. Sometimes can be seen sneaking away with a bottle of hand lotion.
On-Sec – Keeper of the ledger. Actually knows where the bank is and why it exists. Verify’s Total accounting from Hash Cash and Haberdasher. Is able to keep the hash outof debt while magically able to have an endless supply of “Natural Light” on hand. Is adroit at eating honey without getting sticky fingers.
Hash Cash – This position is so important it’s usually handeled by two. Collector of the cash that the pack gives before each and every run to buy the beer and munchies. Doles out said cash to the Beer Meister, Food Meister, Hash Scribe, Web Meister, and others in mismanagement for expenses as applicable while at the same time keeping the hash from going totally broke. Also writes down a list of the hashers in the pack so we know who got lost at the end of the trail. Adept at using the terms “no way in hell” and “piss off”.
Hare Raiser – An undercover agitator who seeks out hashers (usually after they’ve had a few drinks) and signs them up for haring future runs. Will interpret even the most lukewarm response to such inquiries as a “yes”.
Web Meister (aka Cyberwank) – Handles all the web site crap. Often accused of being all too familiar with the term “c:”. Sports a pasty white complexion from all those long hours indoors. Gets sunburn from anything brighter than a 60 watt bulb.
Beer Meister – Bearer of the amber nectar. Provides love, warmth, and thirst quenching refreshment to each and every hash. Must have a vehicle with large cargo capacity and good shock absorbers to prevent undue foam-age. Tends to be very popular with the pack for some reason.
Hash Fluffer – Raiser of pre-lube excitement and conveyor of all that feels good. Can be heard starting out sentences with “One time at hand camp”. Is generally responsible for getting the hash excited and ready to go (or cum-whichever way you look at it).
Food Meister – Provider of the munchies after each and every trail. Must be able to feed thousands of hungry hashers with almost no money and fewer than 1% of the pack falling prey to food poisoning.
Haberdasher – Provides hash attire and hash accessories to the pack. Able to create humorous and long lasting shirts, shorts, hats, and drinking vessels out of thin air (for a small price).
Hash Flash – The person who captures for posterity all embarrassing hash moments. The hash flash must have an acute sense of the absurd to know what to take photos of, and also a small degree of reliability to bring a camera, take pictures, and put only the finest thereof into sacred photo album locations. The Hash Flash also strives to make our kennel more “flashier” by creating the finest, up-to-date marketing items, such as graphics, promo materials, and such.
Hash Scribe – Keeper of the Hash-Trash. Weaves a creative (if not entirely factual) story of the happenings of each run and distributes to the entire hash for general amusement. Must know how to operate a computer keyboard and 8.5×11 sheets of paper. Can use the word ream in a sentence without cracking a smile.